African American women of 32nd Co.,Women's Army Corps standing at attention during training at Fort Huachuca. fotog: Charles E. Steinheimer, 1943

It’s almost like a rite of passage. The stupid things we do afford us with battle scars we can tell younger women. Younger in spirit and maturity but sadly not necessarily age. What boggles my mind are the scars we give ourselves over and over and over again. The “pleasure filled” mindless pain.

1. Dating UNAVAILABLE men: A few weeks ago I wrote something that needs to be clarified. I stated that most men upon us meeting them are actively dating.  And hopefully women want them. I went as far as to say; that nobody wants what nobody wants. And if you run across a man NO woman wants, RUN.

Upon meeting a man he MAY have a “friend girl” or two or four. ”friend girl” means that YOUR gentlemen caller is tryna get all up on YOUR weekend schedule. It may even mean that he’s too lazy to multi-task. It got cold and tag, friend girl was the last one hangin on, and so she’s  “it”. A man with an ACTUAL girlfriend isn’t giving up weekly Fridays and Saturdays. He’s not living with someone. His time is pretty much his own, save for friend girl and/or his very own “friendly” roster.

But he isn’t married, engaged or otherwise in a committed relationship. Sadly sometimes men fake the metaphoric relationship status funk, and if your admirer isn’t honest, it may take some sleuthing and just plain old intuition (and because you’re multi-tasking with your legs closed), emotions aren’t involved. You find out that homeboy hasn’t been honest and is otherwise not single, you bounce. It’s that simple. Newsflash for the “relationship status purists”; separated is STILL MARRIED. It’s so married in fact, the reason most men are separated are because THEY NEED A BREAK. Why in God’s creation would you think he’s a prime pick for a serious one on one with you? I’ve also been told that there are women who go after married men; (In my dear grandma’s sarcastically naive voice) I KNOW THAT IS NOT THE CASE, so no need to even explore this mythical phenomenon.

2. Allowing Men To Date You In Your Home/Apt/Condo: I had a “meeting in the ladies room” with a few women this weekened and I’m deeply saddened to know that men have somehow gotten a false impression that its ok to take you out a couple of times and then romance your a!ss in your own home. I even know of a few first dates I’ve read in the blogeshere, where a man took a lady out “in her house” or worse yet “in his house”. This is UNACCEPTABLE, not even in inclement weather. If there’s a blizzard outside, his a!ss shouldn’t even be venturing over to your neck of the woods. Ladies, this is a big no-no and further impacts the 90 day rule (87 day rule, for you ladies who hate rules). Now, men ARE naturally curious. We are where we live and a man who is interested in you is going to want to see where you live. If you are so inclined on the third or fourth date,  have him come in for some kool-aid BEFORE you go to that much awaited indie film followed with the writer and director discussion. That way he isn’t tempted and you’re still celibate. And more importantly, HE IS DATING YOU. You are getting to know him in a variety of environments that have very little if anything to do with your couch.

3. Not Taking The Time To Date Yourself. This is really important, because women who hate being alone, seem to be the ones who perpetually ARE, always and forever just like the Luther Vandross song. They’re in and out of surfacy relationships. They’re having se!x way too soon, after which time they always seem to end up hating the men they dated; ex’setc. I call it space filling. Buffer dating, whereby that time should be spent getting to know YOU. If you honestly aren’t comfortable alone in your own skin, why would anyone elsebe comfortable hanging around it?

Hone a skill or hobby. Learn a foreign language. Travel. Do all the things you’ve always wanted to do with a man; ALONE. It not only makes you interesting and well rounded but it continues to help you frame what it is YOU want in a man.

(aside) The jury is still out about how I feel about actually MARRYING “redefining” YOURSELF in your old wedding gown, or maybe I’m still on the fence regarding  Juanita Bynum II (“pronounced Juanita Bynumthe second”) doing it.

As I had indicated in an earlier post. The property is to be turned into a retreat for women.

I went to bed last night just thinking that the reason I was pushing close to 700 hits in my second week writing this blog, somehow meant Comeback Girl was either a brilliant writer or I struck a nerve with her web audience.

As my mama likes to say: “the truth is somewhere in the middle.” But truth be told Comeback Girl’s stats are at an all morning high, most likely to turn into an all day high.

And I also wondered what the fascination was with Juanita Bynum. On some religious and “secular sites” what Juanita represents to many is a cautionary tale all its own-about the perils of having faith in one man or woman.

When I was looking at some of Weeks-Bynum relationship videos there were a few things ever apparent. That there is a basic need for the public at large to see well modeled relationships. People also believe that there are certain people who are more highly favored with God than others. This is a lie. God is in everything and everyone. And no one person has any more of an answer than you do-particularly about your life. To me the lesson is to stop looking for one person for a magic pill even if they are “ordained by God”.

I’ve decided to put Juanita Bynum on Comeback Girl Watch. With the record breaking conference in September that I estimate brought in close if not more than $1,000,000, the New York Times best selling books, the gold gospel cd on her own imprint, I fail to understand why it’s hard to make tax payments. But I suppose if the taxes are behind, so is the mortgage.

I also speculate that some of the financial distress could be purposeful in that Thomas Weeks recently filed for spousal support. And right now the public image is that Bynum can barely run her own enterprise, so how could she support Weeks ?

 Your favorite Comeback Girl (me of course), loves to feature women, ideas, and concepts on the comeback (and the men who love us and even sometimes those who don’t (for cautionary-instructional purposes-:) ).

And for the first time in my life Comeback Girl is perplexed and confused.

Where does Juanita Bynum fit in this “get up and dust yourself off and start all over again” discussion? Where is she on the spectrum of a comeback even given the recent impending auction of her retreat (23 acres) for back taxes totalling more than $30,000.

(I remember videos of her discussing this retreat and Bynum Ministries had to get a huge loan for this property-but in the mortgage payment-don’t taxes get rolled up into the payment ?)

That doesn’t even concern me as much as still holding my grudge of being hoodwinked. Prior to Bynum-Weeks gate (where her estranged spouse reportedly beat and kicked her in a hotel parking lot and was later charged and released on a $40k bond in September), I watched her and her husband’s video series “Teach Me How To Love You” only days before the hotel parking lot incident. Even as they both removed pictures of one-another from their respective websites, I continue to comb through videos that chronicled their six year courtship/marriage. I even overlooked some of the stories of her picking up a brick and aiming it at her beloved. Weeks also seems to have some history in assulting employees.

In hindsight, they just seemed really toxic together.

 She has started a foundation called: “Love Don’t Hit”.

But Comeback Girl knows that love also doesn’t aim bricks either.

(update 10/19/07-as of 2PM EST Juanita has proved proof to a local Atlanta news station that supports she has payed taxes today. http://thecomebackgirl.com/2007/10/19/update-juanita-bynum-says-taxes-paid/