Dorothy Dandridge

Recently I was checking a video out from Shanel Cooper Sykes. She’s a personal development guru whose also written a book called: Stilettos In The Kitchen: The Modern Girl’s Guide To Being A Domestic Goddess. Of course, I love all things personal development and mixed with a little urban Martha Stewart, well I’m easily sold.

I also believe in serendipity. When you read, see or hear something that coincides with something else in which you’ve seen, heard or read. Not just two days ago, I realized through a series of some other weird events, that some people women are either REALLY crazy as he!ll or their priorities are completely misaligned. I’m talking stalkerish, dating tendencies. I’m talking just being all around pressed for a man’s company and attention. I’m talking going to extreme lengths to get a man to change his mind. I’m talking about utter and complete foolishness.

Now I’ve never once proclaimed myself to be a relationship expert. Over the past couple of years (even as I’ve written this blog), I’ve grown up alot. Dealt with most of my bullsh!t and began to attract really worthy and interesting men.

Here are the top 3 things I’ve learned about getting my own shi!t together in and outside matters of the heart:

1. Thou Shalt Be An Asset And Not A Liability: When I was a kid, I had a friend who said that she would have a prince who would sweep her off her feet, and she’d never have to work. Now if you’ve been reading this blog for any length of time, you will know that I love the natural order of things. I love for my doors to be opened. I love flowers on the second date. I love chivalry. But I’ve also known since I was seven, that there was nobody with a peni!s and some Godiva chocolates coming to save me. And even as that friend has grown up and found her prince to pay most of the bills all of the bills. Its inevitable that he will grow to resent her for not pulling her own weight. She is a bought woman. Everything clouds your judgement when your man is bankrolling most of your life. I don’t doubt that he’s a good dude, but what about all the accomplishments you’ve never been able to say you’ve made, i.e, buying your own car, having enough money and resources to know that if your boyfriend acted a fool you could bounce, having some history of being even slightly self-sufficient. One of things that I’m conscious of today, is being able to bring something of value to the table in a relationship (besides a nice smile and pillow top mattress). That’s EXTREMELY important, even for the early twenty urban chicks who go through the “I’m going to marry a baller” phase. Besides being your best self, is incredibly satisfying.

1b. Develop your inner Bob Villa: I think every girl needs to know the basics of home improvement. It is imperative that she knows how to make her house liveable. I’m not saying that she should know how to build a tool chest, from scratch. But a woman should know how to paint a wall. She should also know all the important steps that goes into prepping the space she wants to paint and even how utlizing different types of  paint color affect the way in which the room looks; ie, glossy or matte.

2. Men Smell Desperate: Constant calling, emailing, texting particularly when the honeymoon is over, gets old. Men love new and shiny things, and its possible though highly unlikely that the newness of me will fade. And after all the pixie dust around me has settled, there has to be something more than my cute face and roastbeef panini sandwiches or quiche lorraine from scratch. The more is my full life. The more is working on number 1 “Being An Asset”, so much so that when we’re not together its evident that I’m about the business of being my best self. Between both of my facebooks its clear that there is major desperation around of women, particularly when a) happy status updates occur when “he called” or when you “have a date” or b) sad, depressing or mean updates occur when a dude “did something to pis!s you off”. Get a life.

3. The Longer You Fight Against Being Single, The Longer You Stay That Way: I firmly believe that what you resist, persists. I think there is something to have been said about me having been able to enjoy my own company. perhaps its the only kid in me, but I could ALWAYS find things to do in my singleness, without coming home and crying in my ice-cream tofu soup. And of course being uncomfortable being single, is in fact a repellent. I know I’m pretty hard core with my whole relationship perspective, but I’ve always felt over the last year or so, I’ve felt like; if he’s “IT” then cool. If he’s not, thats cool too. One monkey don’t stop no show. I’ve honestly not been TIED to one person being “IT”. I’m not going to lie. I’m human. I’ve wondered about what it would be like to make “x” breakfast or “y” dinner. But I’ve never prayed it was one over another. And I have thoroughly enjoyed not having to answer to anybody about my comings and goings. In fact, I think I might miss that the most.

To the tune of TMCY:

Dearest Monifa, (I think that’s how you spell your name. Please excuse me if I’m missng an apostrophe, a colon, a hyphen, an accent aigu ´or grave `)

Let me cut to the chase. You’ve been my next door neighbor for nearly three years. You moved in with a “major siddity chip” on your shoulder because the house you rented was “just too small” coming from “seven acres, a pool and a husband”. In exchange for the latter you became a single mother, a renter, and a coddling wife to your two “little husbands” sons.

I found it strange, when out of the blue you asked me to call you at work should I see any weird activities of an 18 and a 20 year old. I’m thinking when another neighbor told you that you have people in and out of your house like a 7-11, you figured you needed an extra pair of eyes. Why don’t you do like my single mother did back in the day. When she smelled trouble she was somewhere collecting teenage intelligence and planning SURPRISE “pop-ins home” and “drivebys”.

 I have about 13 years on your eldest son, but even I know they both need a dam!n job. In fact, I think I shocked you when I replied “calling you WAS NOT  my job, and that I would not being doing it”. I work. And I am not about to spy on your lazy unmotivated children and inform you of their comings and goings. Hillary was right, it does “take a village to raise a child”, but the proverb assumes the kids are are putting good life skills in their tool belt and not sagging drawls.

Curiously, it seems like a recent trend for black young adult males is to sit their azz’s at home in the summer and even during the school year, particularly for middle class black parents and single mothers. Do you think your boys are too good to work while you groom them to be great fu!ck ups little husbands for you. You are making them irresponsible black men for society and later, other women. In all my years on this earth do you know I’ve only heard ONE mother say (two weeks ago) that she’d like for her young boys to be great HUSBANDS and FATHERS and she with the help of her husband were raising them to be such? Did you just have male children to take the place of your own failed romantic relationships and marriage? Are you protecting them from some imaginary pain the world is waiting to inflict upon them in your paranoid mind? Or are you just a lazy a!ss accommodating parent who can’t see what she’s doing to her male children? Please don’t give me any made up racial evidence that black men are an endangered species and you are some quasi suburban “wildlife conservationist” protecting your sons from the boogie man that is real life.

I bet if you had a daughter she’d be out there working at 14. You’d probably give her hel! about staying home a week after school let out for the summer. I’m not projecting. LOL. But when I was both your son’s age, I was in college and I even had a part time job and every summer I was grilled about my future, my five year plan, my ten year plan, my back up plan, my plan A, plan B, plan C, plan D to the second power…you get the point.

And it served me well. I’m not perfect. Hell I didn’t even hit all my plans, but I’m still working on it. I’m also glad I am able to detect and dodge the 30 year old black male version of your children.

P.S. tell your kids to pull their pants up. And encourage them to find better men to model their style of dress besides Lil’ Wayne. 

P.P.S Your sons are the primary reason I hate dreads.

Namaste,

The Comeback Girl

Billy Dee Williams "Colt 45" Ad

I suppose we could blame it on the malt liquor.

Billy Dee certainly would have.

Look I’m not so jaded that I believe all men lie in the realm of dating. In fact, this post really is about the lies of some. And yes, “lies” is such a harsh word. I could have written this post about the unconscious untruths, but it wasn’t punchy enough. So I settled on the acerbic. Besides, YaYa’s we are doing men a favor when we uncover their “misappropriations”. The dating world becomes a better place.

While Dating, The Top 4 Lies Men Tell To Women

1. “I don’t like drama“: Of course I believe most men with half a brain naturally DO NOT GRAVITATE TO DRAMA. Its just something that DOES NOT happen. But for a man to actually verbalize it (with associated drama stories), signals a problem to me. How is it that men find themselves wrapped in occasional or even frequent “romantic theatrics”? Well its because they love drama. You attract what you like. I don’t really believe that total and complete drama queens just explode in fantastic outbursts and certifiable antics, crazy is crazy on date one. For a man to overlook poor behavior is either his pen!is rationalizing better behavior down the road or he’s a drama king looking for his “lights camera action” girl. But of course its not cool to say: “I love confusion” or “I like dating nut jobs”, but many men believe they can “tame a shrew” and make a fair lady out of  Eliza Doolittle. Its the Professor Higgins in him.

2. “I just want a nice girl”: More lies. Again the verbalization of wanting something he hasn’t often had again implies he’s actually not looking for one, at least on a subconscious level. This is the close relative of “I don’t like drama”. Many men, particularly those expressing looking for really nice women” are adrenaline junkies. If he was really ready for what he wanted, he’d have it at least enough to imply that she in fact exists and she’s NOT the pixie dust figment of his imagination.

3. “I’m laid back”: Its funny because EVERY man describes himself this way. It almost makes me wonder if men got together and had an “ideal disposition” meeting. I’ve never really met a TRULY laid back man. I’ve met bored men (and boring ones too). And I’ve met their passionate alter ego. I think its some kind of personality stripe people have decided is ideal, particularly men. Perhaps those who can separate themselves from “the drama” and can PROVE to others and THEMSELVES that they don’t like stress and strife.

4. “I want a successful woman”: With most men this statement comes with an income bracket or the acceptable difference between her salary and his. In today’s economy most men WANT and NEED a woman who can earn a living. But hell hath no fury like a man who just found out his woman makes twice as much as he does. There are exceptions and most of them reside in this treehouse, but MOST men can not handle women who out earn them. They further can’t deal with women who come to the table with more assets, homes, etc.

What say the treehouse? YaYa’s what are other unconscious untruths men tell? YoYo’s what say you?

***Editor’s note*** I want to say a heartfelt thank you for the wonderful gift basket that I received yestdayer. It was so thoughtful of the treehouse and I am truly touched and “ferclimped”.

She's Gotta Have It staring Spike Lee and Tracey C. Johns

A few months ago I wrote about being super choosey in regards to dating and relationships. The treehouse will be pleased to know that I am really examining the list of reasons that I have “nexted” men. Reasons I could only assume keep me safe and in complete and total control of my own romantic destiny. Don’t get me wrong, women should be choosey about the men in which they date and start relationships with. Without a doubt, integrity, chemistry, a man who makes a good living, should all be on most women’s short relationship “want list”. But recently I discovered that I have a special list of “must haves” that I’ve never really articulated or written. Everyone has them, and they often unconsciously show up on people’s dating list wrapped around “non-negotiables”. Sometimes people spend time REALLY talking themselves into believing the “ridiculous” deal breakers are in fact important. Many of you will argue the subjectiveness of personal taste. But let’s be real, some of our “romantic rathers” continually and habitually keep us from the love we say we want.

Today is “Tell The Truth Wednesdays” So I’ll start first.

The Comeback Girl’s Top 3 Ridiculous Deal Breakers

1. Astrology: I know this may be sadly annoying to the men in my past and present. But I will run a man’s chart in my head as soon as he tells me his age. I’ll discretely ask later in the conversation when he’s turning “x” because he looks like a summer baby. And I will compute. Why? Because when I was 19 I ran into an Aquarian who confirmed my suspicions of Aquarian men, sexually ambiguous explorative and strange eccentric. I’ve just always believed that Aquarians are nuts. Hence, I’ve only dated one, when I was barely 18. Its no wonder why I’ve excluded them. The interesting thing is that I may actually go out on a date with one. Hilarious. Jesus be a fence and a man who has lots of earth and water in his chart. And one who is  NOT gay.

2. Dating Men At The Gym I did date a gym guy once. But he was an exception. Most gyms between 5pm-10pm Monday-Friday and Saturday from 9am-2pm serve as pick up joints. Women wearing makeup, not busting “nan” sweat on the elliptical trying to look cute and catch the eye of a guy who can’t stop watching himself in the mirror while he bench presses half his weight is all abound at a gym near you.

3. Cruisers & Sport Bike Boys I think I’ve written before that men with Harley’s (with the exception of the bikes that look like they are packing two refrigerators on the side) and Kawasaki’s are hot to me. But these guys are on my unconscious “No” list. Why? because motorcycles boys seem very restless to me, often in denial about how old they actually are (ie, hanging on with a death grip to fleeting youth). It seems like EVERY motorcycle boy has a “I dropped my bike once” in a “busy intersection/street/ramp”. On top of which, most of these men at the first hint of spring play dare devil on major streets and highways. Quintessential men who don’t want to grow up. This however, does not stop me from wanting to get my own motorcycle license, but that’s another post for another day.

Treehouse, what are some of your ridiculous deal breakers that you are honestly working your way through? I have the most self-reflective readers on the planet, so list some of the “junk” in your romantic trunk.

Reese Witherspoon in "Legally Blonde"

My brain hurts as I type this post. Not because I’m stupid, but because I realize after being engaged in comments yesterday regarding feminism, the growing “colonization” of Africa by China, and a host of other highly intellectual discourse, that my dating life boarders on catatonic ”dumbness”. I know that sometimes people unconsciously engage in behavior that they believe serves them best.

How does “dumb” serve me? Well, on a real conscious level since I was knee high in patent leather pumps (the ones I played dress up in while perusing Momma Comeback’s closet) I’ve always believed that many some men adore brilliantsmart women, but they don’t necessarily end up with them. The smart I’m NOT talking about is the annoying one upmanship of verbal banter based more on being right and less on the pleasure of exchange. The ping pong of IQ and FAQs that can kill attraction quicker than a hairy transgendered stripper running a drag race in practical heels.

***The Comeback Girl Pauses To Apply Her Cover Girl Mocha LipGloss, which was discontinued by Cover Girl in 2007. CBG was able to find three cases on ebay. She has an “endless” supply that she predicts will run out sometime in 2015***

The smart I AM talking about is that easy, effortless and exciting exchange of ideas, beliefs, passions, etc. Do men really prefer smart women? Or women smart enough to play down their intellect in order to magnify his?

Where do smart people go to meet?

Prince

“How Come You Don’t Call Me?” is obviously a pertinent question. The Boolean “call me” search on You Tube alone yields more than 130,000 song title variations. It’s one more: “He’s Just Not That Into You” proposition set to a verse. Then comes along the book “Why He Didn’t Call You Back” that got me interested not just in the questions, but also the answers, the answers of approximately 1000 men, interviewed by the author Rachel Greenwald. And surprisingly those answers don’t include men being intimated with ultra successful women, bad timing, fear etc.

The Comeback Girl is all about telling the truth. And I’ll be the first to say that I’ve been out on first dates where a guy I was interested in didn’t ever call for seconds. Don’t cry for me Argentina, the truth is that it doesn’t happen often, but when it does sometimes the “screw him” retort just doesn’t work. At least once or twice in my dating life, I wanted to know what I did or didn’t do. The shallow part of me is consoled in at least the belief that it normally isn’t about physical attraction, a guy typically asks a woman out with whom he’s physically attracted.

Greenwald believes that men date to filter out sort of like a kitchen colander.

The first stage is the filtering stage, during which most women are filtered out…During the first few dates he is filtering out qualities he personally finds undesirable, even if those qualities aren’t real but rather perceived...I believe that so many first dates are failing not because two people aren’t a good match but rather because one person gets filtered out too soon.

Deep. I actually think lots of women are guilty of kitchen colander-ing men as well, me included, but that’s another post for another day. But here comes the good parts.

GREENWALD’S TOP TEN REASONS MEN DON’T CALL BACK (as surveyed by her male respondents)

1. The Boss Lady: “the term ‘boss’ reflects men’s attitudes that certain women seem argumentative, competitive, controlling, not feminine, too independent, not nurturing or some combination of the above. In other words, some women give off a “masculine” vibe. Of course, women don’t use the same terminology to describe this behavior. Instead, women might identify themselves as persuasive, capable, street-smart, organized, modern, confident, or forthright. You say ‘potato’ he says ‘potahto’.

2. The Blahs Women with the energy level of a door knob. Total and complete lack of enthusiasm and excitement.

3. The Bait And Switch “Bait and switch” is a business term used to describe deceptive advertising. This was the number three date breaker men cited overall (and among men who described online dates only, it was the number one date breaker). Men felt duped and let down…based on faulty or insufficient information, he expected her to be one thing, but she was something else.

4. The Park Ave. Princess: “Men don’t call The Park Ave. Princess back for several reasons. Often she’s very high maintenance or she’s picky about her discerning tastes…She is looking to marry a lifestyle along with her man.”

5. The Closer: “The Closer is a woman on a mission to get a boyfriend, a husband, a baby or all of above. She is focused on using her time efficiently to close the deal…Encountering The Closer. men feel like they are being evaluated as future husband and father. Its not that they don’t want the job. Its just don’t know if they want the job YET.”

6. The Flasher: “The Flasher divulges negative personal information about herself on a first date, often without realizing it…No matter how impressive the stories about overcoming adversity were, or whether they were couched under the “really getting to know each other” or “just being honest” umbrellas, the news was too big. It carried too many stereotypes for the man to question, process, and rationalize on the first date.

7. The Biotch In Boots: “The Biotch In Boots” is a woman who does not seem kind. Sometimes she’s impatient or easily irritated. She can act entitled or passive aggressive. She’s quick to snap at someone who annoys her, including both strangers and people she knows well.

8. The Debbie Downer: “The Debbie Downer is a complainer: nothing is ever quite right. She can also be the bitter or cyncial girl who sees the glass as half-empty. She doesn’t act like a happy or enegetic person.

9. The Ex-Factor: “The Ex-Factor refers to women who talk about their ex-boyfriends or ex-husbands. It ranges from too much ex talk overall on a date to a few brief mentions. It also includes women who refer to men in general who have disappointed them or allude to a gold standard of behavior established by one special person in their past.”

10. The One Way Street: “The One Way Street” is in her own world. She dominates the date by either talking too much or directing the conversation too much. Its as if she is on a date for one. This can play out in different formats. Her endless chatter may be the result of first date nerves. Her self-absorption may be either an accurate reflection of her personality or simple lack of awareness. her interrogation may be her attempt at efficiency (not wasting time with low potential men).

This book gets a treehouse stamp of approval, a cookie and a cup of tea. I’m curious if the male readers (YoYo’s) thought the author left any reasons out. How about the YaYa’s, do you feel this is a pretty accurate assessment? Do you care? Given the author’s belief that people get filtered out too soon, would you change certain dating behavior?

My additional thoughts on the above in the morning.

Lena Horne and Bill Robinson in "Cabin In The Sky"

If Jay-Z had 99 problems,I have 99 questions. But similiar to the instrumental version and contrary to popular belief, The Comeback Girl does know how to censor the really heavy ones.

Some questions on the first, second, third, fourth, or even the tenth date are still inappropriate, no matter how you slice and dice it.

How important are the unasked controversial, “that’s way too personal for a date” questions? And how do you or would you ask them? As discussed yesterday, I’m an action girl myself. Observation is weighted far more than his verbal sentiment. I’m from the Show Me State.

But some things can’t be observed at least not right away. Some things just can’t be asked! Or Can They?

The Hardest, Most Inappropriate Yet Important Questions I’ve Never Asked (with their more appropriate third cousin)!

1. For Some Odd reason,Actually there is very little odd in the men I’ve chosen to commence relationships with. Not to get all metaphysical in the treehouse, but intent rules the universal. I’ve always intended men who preferably grew up with a mother/father or like figures. Law of attraction at its best. I haven’t always been solid on all the other core compatibility stuff, but that’s another blog for another day. Relationship frame of reference rules the order of my world, even coming from a single parent household. But a pressing (INAPPROPRIATE) question I can never seem to ask is: Has Your Father Ever Cheated On Your Mother? Is Your Father A Cheater? On the surface I absolutely believe that behavior is learned. Below the surface it complicates the dynamic. Most men I’ve dated wore the “my parents are still together” like a badge of honor wanting to show me the “relationship ropes” even though I communicated the fact that I’ve seen relationships work. The real ones, not just the “its cheaper to keep her versions”. Everything “committed” in my opinion isn’t ideal. And what kept a relationship together 30 years ago, may not be its metaphoric “Peaches and Herb” that would actually bond a union today.

In my opinion the question ISN’T just about cheating. I believe you can sniff  out a man with a predisposition to cheat. But to me the more important question is his view of women (as well as his mother). This is going to seem rather off the wall. But normally I have to wait to OBSERVE the answer to the above inappropriate question. (APPROPRIATE) I actually have to meet the Fockers or wait on his sharing of information in passing (APPROPRIATE), regarding behavior that I find suspect. A) Father keeps strange hours and doesn’t have a second job, which is expressed in conversation. B) Upon meeting “the Fockers” Daddy Focker is dressed to the nines, young, even a tad frisky, while Momma Focker resembles Harriet Tubman readying for the underground railroad. She speaks less. She seems relegated to lighter conversation. Why is even the most inappropriate question important, aside from cheating being learned and observed behavior? Well when its done habitually it also suggests Daddy doesn’t have any REAL regard for his wife. Wouldn’t the son follow suit?

2. Are You Good In Bed? (INAPPROPRIATE) This is THE most tackiest question to ask. EVER. But I’m nearing my se!xual prime, and inquiring (close to not being) celibate minds want to know. The only way I’ve ever been able to slightly ascertain is through the question of dance. Can you Tango, Cha Cha, Hand Dance, Step, Salsa? (APPROPRIATE) Why these dances, Comeback Girl?  Well, they aren’t the slow wind/whine. It doesn’t take much skill or restraint to get on the dance floor and ***old country woman channeled through my body*** “rub all up and down dirty style with no ryhyme or reason”. Though you may detect a schlong size, you can’t detect his ability to enjoy new things, his attention to detail…you get the point.

3. Do You Think Like A Visionary Or A Slave And Can You Excecute? I went through this horrible phase a few years ago, where everybody I was meeting was “about to start x”, “supposed to be doing y”, “wanted to open z”. I love big thinkers. In fact everything in the world begins with a thought. “But can you excute? Or Are You A Jaw-Boner” (INAPPROPRIATE).

What’s The Biggest Risk You’ve Ever Taken? (APPROPRIATE) With this question you can note his ability to take calculated risks.  The size of his vision. And his ability to take action.

What are YOUR inappropriate questions? Do you have the estrogen/testosterone to ask them? Is there larger meaning behind YOUR hard questions?

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Dorothy Dandridge and Harry Belafonte in Carmen Jones

BLOG TV TONITE: 8 pm. Be there. I had a surprise for the treehouse, hopefully it still happens tonite, regardless. Lets meet on blog tv.

A couple of months ago, I wrote a post on “The Secrets Of Men”. I think I pretty much nailed it from my quiet observation of the male species. So, I am most certain I am becoming an expert in men.

Laugh now. Thank me later.

A little over a year ago when I pledged allegiance to the YaYa Treehouse a.k.a www.thecomebackgirl.com, I solemnly swore to this blog that I would never divulge more than three YaYa Sisterhood secrets a year.

Here Goes My Quota:

1. Women Test Men. Its not a formal test, nor is it a game, but rather human nature. But women do it to examine a man’s key ingredient: strength. Most women adore strong men. I happen to love the ones who aren’t always pushed over the edge by life or one of my random “litmus-test questions” (post to come).

2. Women Want To Defer To Men In Relationships. I’d even go so far to say that for the things men are extremely good at; ie money management or home maintenance, women want to be led. My only caveat is that he has to be good at. Moreover, If you haven’t the slightest clue on how to hammer a nail or paint a room, don’t pretend you are, and don’t perpetually fyckit up knowing that’s not your ballywick, though I do believe most men should know their way around a tool belt. Don’t say you know all about the stock market and savings and I find money under the mattress or worst yet; squandered because you had a series of bad hunches. That’s when I get off the “I’ll defer To You” choo choo train and direct myself, which is typical “STRONG BLACK WOMAN SUPER HERO” self-preservation behavior . Luckily, I do see a cultural shift taking place, some men are getting the memo that even as their female romantic partners jockey all the time for position, it defied much of the natural order and in most instances eliminated a certain level of core respect needed to make relationships work.

3. Women Bootcamp Men They Truly Admire and Respect In A Dating Environment. This is a secret many women don’t even know about themselves. Often times we will date men we like. We may even date men we don’t necessarily like but respect, just waiting on chemistry to show itself on the second date. I believe that when we admire and respect a man, rules change. I’ve seen women pull up behavior. She’ll talk total smack to one, but not to the man she wouldn’t want to fyck it up with. When there is admiration and respect, he’ll wait longer for se!x. If she never had a set of rules, she’ll make up some JUST for his @zz. I think alot of men miss the fact that physical attraction comes a dime a dozen (the same thing men okey doke us with), but really and truly women will bootcamp a dude she admires and respects. And not bootcamp in the sense of physical and mental torture, but bootcamp in the sense of a certain level of restraint and measured action; ie, she’s not waking up in the middle of night and driving across town, to come “handle you”, with your booty call “are you asleep?” phone calls.

Actress Mary Wickes(R) as a dance instructor looking aghast as actress Lucille Ball gets stuck between wall and ballet barre in scene from tv series Love Lucy.".1951

Hi, Its your favorite Comeback Girl here. So,  I’m really getting conversational and personal. Why? because I’m on the brink of  a major epiphany. Now before the treehouse rushes to call St. Elizabeth’s (one of the oldest and largest psychiatric hospitals in the country located in DC, I’d like to entreat you not to.

a) because they’re not even open and admitting patients anymore and

b) my a!ss is not crazy, so put down the telephone.

I figured out something and I’m woman enough to admit that it took my blog brother from another mother, SBM, to really highlight it for me, yesterday in the comment section. It was regarding my previous dating habits which were in poor taste, ie looking at the check on a date with no other intent but to be nosey thrown in with a little habit. As I told brother SBM, that was almost 8 years ago.

But…I do have other bullshi!t to replace the bullsh!it I’ve outgrown. Hey, In “09, I’m gonna own what’s mine” (including my very own bullshi!t, thats what grown ups do. I’m also working on fixing it too.)

Recently on this blog, I’ve preached the good news about the law of attraction and expectation. I’ve preached the good news about the lies in the male-female ratio-benefiting doggish men and perpetuating their bad behavior. I’ve preached the good news on us ladies multi-tasking (ie dating multiple men with your legs closed) to provide perspective and sanity. I’ve preached the importance of leading full and active lives with hobbies not tied to men. I’ve preached where men were and weren’t. I’ve preached that it wasn’t really all about men. That its also about you and what you want. I’ve discussed this ALL in relationship to me and the fabulous treehouse yaya sisters.

But I’ve never really discussed my OWN shi!t, in detail.

***Bullshyt EXPOSED***flashing lights

1. I’ve been calibrating my gaydar. As a single woman in a major metropolitan city, I think I’ve been taking this whole gay DL (down low) thing WAY too far. I have 2 gay husband tribunals: “the jiffy fast gay husband tribunal” and the “sit down gay husband tribunal”.

 My “jiffy fast gay husband tribunal” is located at starbucks, where my barista-husbands can steam my breve to 180 degrees, and tell me if my date is batting for another team in 2.5 minutes) just because he told me he “liked my shoes”.  My “sit down gay husband tribunal” (comprised of men I’ve known for a number of years) actually detect more complicated ”suspect” issues, like crying during dramatic movies, ie “Bobby” Kennedy or a professed love of romantic comedies, very recent phenomenon.

But lately, I’ve been asking myself  if I have taken this whole “is he really gay?” thing too far. Sometimes I even wonder how many men have I written off because they used the word “chartreuse” in a sentence and correctly. Maybe my soulmate is color coordinated. Maybe he does like pocket squares. Perhaps he’s had a facial once or twice in his life. Does all this make him gay? Well..don’t answer that.

I’m still calibrating….

2. It’s not all about me.I know I’ve preached to the YaYa’s that it really is ALL about you particularly when you’re dating and formulating who and what you want in a mate. But while on said date, its good to practice the art of listening. Listening clues you into jerks. But it also clues you into great guys too. A good guy volleys information. He relays. You listen. You talk. He listens. I’ve really been gathering that the art of  “shutting the fyck up” on a date is a lost one. People give you all kind of social clues based on how they answer a question. What they will and won’t disclose. As well as how they go about asking you things about yourself too.

3. Nice straightforward guys can be EXTREMELY sex!y.Perhaps this is age, but I’m finding that I don’t need so much sex!ual tension at 33. Just a man being nice and respectful will do. I’m not really looking for a man to be a HUGE challenge, intellectually, physically, and emotionally (that’s kind of my job lol). I’m digging the straight shooters now. If I want equivocation, I’ll read some dayum Macbeth.

So treehouse, anybody courageous enough out there to do a bullshyt reveal?